Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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