Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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