She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
