Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
