Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.

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(407): View more from Florida

Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.

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(914): View more from New York

Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.

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(626): View more from California

dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.

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