Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I pour the whiskey from now on
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
