Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
3pm strippers are depressing
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
