I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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