Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
