wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
