dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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