Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
