I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
