I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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