I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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