Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
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Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
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I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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