A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
