the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
