i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
