i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
