I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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