My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
whose parrot is this?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
