My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
