so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Two words: blizzard sex
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
