My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
