wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
