You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
