1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Porn is love you can see.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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