True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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