Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Everyone says I win the strip club
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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