i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
