the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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