It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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