i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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