have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
