it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
