guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
