True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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