i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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