I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
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