it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Boobs speak an international language.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
