life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
