I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize