No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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