He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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