there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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