im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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