I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
