I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
