There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
