Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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