I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
