well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
