His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
