Why does Corona taste like a burp?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
