i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Randomize
