Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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