he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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