someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
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And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
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It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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