I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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