cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I am midnight drunk by noon
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
