The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
