You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
